Friday, January 31, 2014

Not ready For Love (Yet)




 I am a hopeless romantic…. I live in a world of fantasy (well, most of the time) and I lately came to the realization that my fantasy world is doing better than my real world. I’ve accomplished so much. In fact, I am planning my fantasy marriage. And it’s during one of my night meetings with self that reality hit me; he has not proposed yet.. As a matter of fact he does not exist.. Yeah, it’s that serious. This set me into a journey. A journey of self evaluation…
I have always wanted to be in love, feel love, eat love, sleep love, dream love and wake up to love. But what is love really? Well, I’ve been in love before or so I thought. But I broke up with him after a few lovey-dovey dates. At the time I didn’t know why. Just woke up one day, said my daily prayer, took my phone and called him six in the morning before even taking my shower. I said the 2 deadly words, “It’s over”. Hung up and went ahead to have the most memorable shower of my life. (Alright, things did not happen that way exactly. But I sure called him six in the morning)
Tonight, I think I have found the answer to why I broke up with the poor lad. Love is just too much for me.

Someone whose existence I didn’t know of one day shows up in my life. And out of nowhere develop strong feelings for him. Feelings I never knew I had. And just like voodoo in work, pour out my heart to him like he’s some god, or shrink or a fortune teller. Develop natural cords stronger than blood connection. Leave my family for him. Love him more than my family. Trust him more than my blood family. Leave my house to live with him. Allow him to hold me in his arms.

Him whose existence I did not know of; feel like I can't live without him. Feel like I'd die if he ever left me. Make vows and promises to him. Swear that only death would part me from him. Promise to live with him for the rest of my life. Promise to be there for him in good and bad times, in sorrow and happiness, in riches and poverty. Promise to love no other but him.
Him whose existence I didn’t know of; Allow him to see parts of me; both pretty and not so pretty. Share a bed with him; what if he harms me in the darkness?  Share my womanhood with him; what if he hits it and abandons it? Agree to give him children; what if he leaves them fatherless? Cook for him and do his laundry (Mind you I only do it for special people). Develop a soft spot for him. Laugh at all his ‘not funny at all’ jokes. Forgive him whenever he wrongs me. Miss him when he’s away more than I missed my mama's tits.

Him whose existence I didn’t know of; the thought of feeling all these emotions for him is overwhelming. What if he’s a conman? What if he’s an alien, a vampire or a wolf?  The fear of having all these feelings for him whose existence I didn't know of haunts me.
This is just too much for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe in love. I really do. But until my brain is ready to accommodate all this and my heart strong enough to hold all these feelings, love to me is just a sweet fantasy. And maybe one day, I’ll fall in love. Just Maybe.

PS: All are invited to my fantasy wedding!

The reason why I wrote this is because I believe that if people really took time to think of what marriage entails, cases of divorces would be few. And that's how Neomy sees it!