Wednesday, February 25, 2015

I Found Love in a Hopeless Place

I took a shower, put on my pajamas (read a huge man-shirt) and retired to bed. I put off the main light from my bedside switch and switched on the bedside lamp. Dim dark-purple color flooded the room. I lay face up with my hands entwined behind my head. Here I was in a very…very huge house (call it a bungalow) which would be my home for the next 2 weeks or so; surrounded by LOVE. LOVE. It was almost impossible to imagine that less than 24 hours earlier I was in a similar bed in Nairobi inside a house the size of this bedroom.

This was my first night in Nyahururu. It was the night of 31st October; the day I arrived at Nyahururu; the day I moved to Nyahururu. My move was made possible by my sweet aunt who after learning about my joblessness couldn’t stand the idea of me living alone in Nairobi and with no job to wake up to. She invited me to come live with her. On top of that she sent me her driver Charles; remember Charles? She sent her lorry too to collect my stuff. She took me in her house…sorry, bungalow as one of her own. As if this wasn’t enough, she had a job waiting for me; all I needed was to say yes. In her house, everything was at my disposal; handled. The Olivia Pope of the house was going to handle everything for me. What to eat was handled. It was none of my business. The cleaning and pressing of my clothes was handled too. My business was to wake up in the morning, eat, go to work, come back in the evening, eat and sleep. For the next 2 months (I ended up staying for 2 months) I didn’t cook, wash utensils or do laundry. Oh, and did I tell you I was chauffeured to and from work every day of the 2 months? This is what I call Love. I love this aunt of mine; not because of what she has done for me (well, partly yeah) but because she gives me that sisterly love that I need when I can’t talk to my mum or friends.

Well, I knew this was the life that awaited me. Yet, lying there in bed and staring at the ceiling, my mind was blank; a blank space. Taylor Swift’s Blank Space. I tried to think but there was nothing; only the dim dark-purple light and the white ceiling. For a person who has been talking and thinking all her life, this was terrifying. I closed my eyes. Tight. I tried to look for Kaseo in the dark blank space that was my mind. Kaseo always has an answer to everything. She is my life’s cheerleader. She is my all time alter ego. She had helped me survive the 4 jobless months in Nairobi. I needed her to tell me that all was okay; that my mind had taken a little vacation and would be back soon; that I should enjoy the moment of blankness and thoughtlessness. Kaseo wasn’t there. She was gone too. Naomi was alone. You can do this Naomi. You can.

I opened my eyes. The white ceiling was still there. It’s not like I expected to see in its place a cloud of dark smoke but well, it was still there. A few seconds later, the cloud of dark smoke started replacing the white ceiling. I blinked to clear my eye vision. Only then did I realize that my eyes were filled with tears as the blinking caused them to flow straight into my ears. Hot tears into my ears. Remember I was lying face up. I was about to wipe them in shame. It was long since I had last cried. But then I remembered that sometimes it is okay to cry. That sometimes it is okay to be sad. And there I realized that I was sad. This was only one emotion. Others followed suit; sadness, fear, bitterness, worry, uncertainty, anger, regret….

The tears stopped and the dark cloud was gone. So was the blank space. And a hundred thoughts flooded my just returned mind. Did I make the right decision to move to Nyahururu? Isn’t this a cowardice move? Isn’t this what failure looks like; when things stop working and you have to go back to where you started to retrieve your steps? What if I fail again? What if I don’t love my new job? What will happen to my Filmmaking dream? What if I get miserable? What if I don’t fit in Nyahururu? What if I don’t find love or peace or happiness? What if? Just what if? Will I make new friends? Will I make it? Will I grow to love Nyahururu? Will I make my mum and dad proud? Will I love my new workmates? Will I find peace that I have been lacking? Will I find love? Will I be happy? Will I or will I not?... SLEEP.

It’s 5.00 in the morning; 3 months and 25 days later. Some would call this, 4 months later. I prefer to be precise. I’m in my house. My home. I no longer live in the bungalow. I have since re-learnt how to cook, wash utensils and do laundry. Oh, and walk to work. I had forgotten how to do these things and it took the help of a professional to remember them. Trust me you would forget too.

Nyahururu has been nothing but good to me. I AM HAPPY. For the first time in my life I am sincerely happy. I wake up in a smile and end my day with a smile. I have learnt that my environment does not dictate my happiness. My happiness comes from within me. I am at peace now. The worry, the fear, the bitterness and the regrets are all gone. My heart and mind are at peace. I love my job which is very surprising because if 1 year ago someone had told me that I would enjoy working in a salon, I would have laughed off at their senseless joke. Yes, I work in a salon; Managing and accounting stuff. I have never studied for these things. But hell yeah, I am so good at them. Someone told me that the day I start looking forward to Monday mornings, on that day will I know that I have fallen in love with my job. I now look forward to Monday mornings.

I have made new friends; male friends, surprisingly (for me). My workmates are amazing. We quarrel a sometimes but well, we survive. My parents and siblings are proud of me. I am proud of me too and the woman I have become. I have realized that I do not have to be the same with the crowd in order to fit in; it is our differences that make us fit for the crowd.

I can proudly say that moving to Nyahururu was one of the best decisions I have ever made in life. I have learnt to view it as a new season in my life series.

It’s 6:17 am. I need to be at the gym by 6:30 and be at work by 8:30. It’s all God speed.

This post was about LOVE, PEACE and HAPPINESS; and these three I have found.